Ed, Jas, and Em & The OnCrotch Call Center
by shalu
Summary: This ridiculous CrackFic is dedicated/inspired by the awesome Unicorns Unlimited ladies. The boys man the phones for fanfic readers overcome by...crotchsplosions. RATED M for good reason. **ETA: leaving Status open for poss future chaps**
1. The OnCrotch Call Center

**A/N: **OK, so first off, this is dedicated to the ladies of Unicorns Unlimited on Ravelry[dot]com. They inspired me to do it, so it's all their fault. Except for my twisted, addled by FF mind. That had a lot to do with it as well. The CCUC (Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care) organization was made up (by me? I think) through our FF stories discussions, and thus, this ridiculous idea was born. Even if you don't understand the CCUC stuff, you may still find it fun(ny). Please note: this is totes **Crackfic**, and as usual, Stephenie Meyer owns all that is truly Twilight.I just lose my mind with it.

I also must give a shout-out to the legendary Cleolinda, as there is a nod or two to GUC (Growing Up Cullen — if you haven't read that, I...I just can't help you). Without further ado, I present...

**Edward, Jasper, and Emmett & the CCUC OnCrotch Call Center**

**

* * *

**_BEEP. Hello, you've reached OnCrotch, a dedicated service to the CCUC's VIP clientele. We've detected a crotchsplosion and are contacting the Crotchsplosion Care in a Car (CCC) to be dispatched to your location. CCC will provide aftercare for this Crotchsplosion of Vehicular Extreme. Thank you for using On Crotch. We are now forwarding you to a trained OnCrotch Operator to make you comfortable during your short wait for CCC._

**CPOV**

Starting the Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care organization recently has been met with a whirlwind of success. With all the brilliant and steamy Twilight fanfiction of late (Hot Bitch being a favorite character of mine), it's no wonder there is such a engorged need for the service.

The CCUC organization has grown exponentially in volume in such a short amount of time, it's almost been difficult to keep up. Being a vampire with a few centuries' worth of knowledge as well as having enhanced abilities, however, has kept us ahead far ahead of the game. Yet, there have still been a few hiccups.

The main debacle was the day I had my sons, Edward, Jasper, and Emmett, man the phones at the OnCrotch Call Center. It was only a trial run with a control group of VIP clients to make sure the new service left them fully satisfied.

I'd come down the stairs of our home to find Edward tinkering on the piano, a new song apparently plaguing his mind.

"Edward," I spoke, pulling him from his music. "I could use your help."

Turning to me, he smiled politely. "Sure, Carlisle. What's up?"

"Well, we're starting up the Call Center for the CCUC—"

He cut me off with a groan.

"What? I caught you and Bella reading one of those fanfics last week, so don't even start. Which one was it again?"

"_Mr. Horrible_!" Emmett's powerful bass tones echoed throughout the house as he vaulted over the upstairs balcony to the floor below. "Poor Eddie's little Eddie has the most perfect nickname in that one. I read it. I'm awesome in it, btw. Though I think I'm a little pussified over Rose. That's crap. She'd be all over my jock like white on—"

"Emmett, for the love of God, please stop?" I begged. _I've never heard of our kind developing migraines, but I'm beginning to think it may just be possible. _Edward smirked at my thought. "Please don't anger Rosalie today? I need this to go smoothly."

"What?" Clearly, the boy never listened. I could hear the air coming out of Emmett's tires in the garage. Maybe he wasn't paying attention.

Edward groaned again. "Christ, Emmett! The OnCrotch Call Center. It's not like you couldn't hear him from up there."

"OOH! Can I do it? I wanna answer phones and talk to all the horny chicks. Can you imagine? Fuck, I'm getting hard just thinking about it."

I rubbed my eyes, feeling the imaginary headache begin. "Boys, please. I just need one of you to see what kind of response we get, and keep the callers calm. Can you do that?"

"I'll do it," Edward answered pointedly. "Emmett will just record the calls for later use, and I can't in all good conscience allow that."

"Fuck off, grannybritches," Emmett snorted. "I would NOT record them. I wouldn't need to. Photographic memory."

Edward stared at him in both disgust and pity. "You can't SEE them, asswipe."

"Oh, but my imagination is killer." Emmett flashed his teeth and wiggled his eyebrows.

Edward blanched. If it were possible for him to get paler, he would have. I had to chuckle at that. Poor Edward would get to see everything in Emmett's mental arsenal given time.

At that moment, Jasper came in carrying what I assumed to be several of Alice's most recent purchases. They'd just come back from a weekend in New York to celebrate their anniversary.

"Jasper!" Emmett pounced immediately. "You HAVE to come help answer calls for the Crotchline."

"OnCrotch Call Center. Please, Emmett?" I begged, turning to the desk in the front hall. I began to sort through papers and lists I'd made of things I needed to do while this got up and running.

"Whatever," he snorted, blowing off the request. "So all these chicks read fanfiction, right? All based off of US, right?"

"I know about fanfiction, Emmett," Jasper replied, deadpan, his voice flat with annoyance.

"Fuck, dude, did you get cockblocked by Bergdorf's or something? Usually Alice gets superhorny when she gets the shopping high." Jasper's anger flooded the floor. Emmett backed up. Yes, EMMETT backed up. "KIDDING, bro! I was just...never mind. OK, so me and Eddie—"

"Edward and I," Edward snottily corrected, intent on ruffling Emmett's feathers.

"Me and Dame Edna," Emmett continued, "are gonna answer the phones when these chicks—"

"There might be guys calling, too—don't be discriminatory," I interjected.

"Whatever, they can fend for themselves," he retorted. "Chicks will be spontaneously cumming all over themselves at the thought of me! You can all relax them an' shit...sending out your vibes and whatnot."

I turned to see Jasper's expression. It was confusion. "Are you serious?" He asked me. I was shocked.

"The CCUC is all about helping our clients recover as quickly as possible from a debilitating attack. With the OnCrotch service, we need to make sure our clients are calm and comfortable in the few minutes while they wait for the mobile therapists to arrive." His face softened in understanding.

Alice flitted by with an equal amount of bags and boxes and went straight up the stairs. "Alice, am I going with them?" He asked.

"Yep." She popped the P.

"Shit."

I heard a high-pitched giggle before their bedroom door slammed.

**EPOV**

When I sat down at one of the desks in the new office building Carlisle had built on the easternmost acre of our property, I was fully confident that out of the three of us, I would do the best job. My voice is engineered to soothe and comfort! To make the victim—_ahem_, I mean, the listener— feel at ease. I was perfect for this task.

I took a look at the log book Carlisle had set out to document the particulars of each call. The computer screen automatically brought up the caller's ID, client number, and current location. Emmett was stretching backwards at his desk, throwing paperclips at Jasper, who retaliated by launching waves of bewilderment at him. I admit I enjoyed the absolute dumbfounded look on his face coupled with thoughts like _What _IS_ a spork?_

Line one rang. "I've got it," I waved Jasper and Emmett off.

I quickly read the prompt Carlisle had typed out and repeated, inserting my name in the blanks. "OnCrotch, this is Edward with the CCUC. How can I assist you?"

"_I...can't...breathe...I just read the last...*wheeze*...chapter...*pant*...of _Landscapes..._"_

"Yes, Miss Jayne Rulis, we've got your location and a CCC vehicle is on its way. They should be there momentarily. In the meantime, please focus on my voice and try to slow your breathing. Do you have any towels handy?"

"_No...Who is this?" _Her breathing was still ragged.

"Um, Edward?" I'd already told her my name, but I suppose in her aggravated state, she must not have heard me.

"_Edward CULLEN!?"_

"_Jayne, please try to breathe and remain calm. I'm—"_

"_I'm talking...*wheeze*...to...*choke*...Ed—*COUGH*...Ed...uhh..." _I heard a wet noise. "_Unnnnnggg....."_

"Oh, God. I think she just crotchsploded again," I spoke in Jasper's general direction.

"Well, fuck, man, is she still breathing?" He spun his hand in quick circles, as his mind told me, _Get the fuck back on the phone, idiot!_

"Miss Rulis? Are you still there?"

"...*deepscratchywheeze*..."

"The CCC should be arriving any moment, miss...please try to calm yourself!" I was getting panicky now. Why wasn't she relaxing?!

A beep came through the line. "This is CCC, we've arrived on the scene. Miss Rulis is in respiratory failure, and we're currently reviving her with pure oxygen. We'll take it from here."

The call ended.

Emmett was laughing his ass off. "Nice calming effect, bro." He fell off his chair. _Nope, I take that back_. He broke the chair. I flipped him off and tried to write down the required information on the log sheet.

Before I finished writing, all the phones began ringing. Emmett barked his hello, and Jasper's low drawl picked up. I was slightly nervous as I picked up this call.

"OnCrotch, this is Edwa—"

"_Fuuuuuuuuuuck!"_

"Miss? Miss, uh," I flicked my eyes at my screen, "Lambcullen? Can I help—"

"_Leather seats! These are...LEATHER!"_

"Miss, the CCC is on the way, but—"

"_I can't feel *gasp*...FUCK! I can't feel my legs!"_

"Miss Lambcull—"

"_WHO IS THIS?! Damn, love, your voice is like velvet! Has anyone *hoarse cough* ever told you that?"_

"Um, yes."

"_Dammit, I...*rasp*...can't really...breathe too...*cough* well...IS THIS EDWARD?!?"_

"Yes, miss, I—"

"_GAHHHH!!! *THUD*" _I could hear a thundering heartbeat over the line but nothing else.

"Miss Lambcullen? Miss Lambcullen!?"

_BEEP. "CCC on scene. What the hell are you all playing at down there? Miss Lambcullen is also in respiratory failure, currently being revived. Apparently she saw a billboard with some actor, Pattinson or someone, swerved into a pole and crotchsploded all over the vehicle. My God, the humanity! Her clothes are ruined. We'll take it from here."_

Immediately, I picked up another call. "OnCrotch, this is Edward. How can we serve you today?"

"_I...I'm looking for SidWaitsWard? *gasp*..."_

_Did I miss something? "_Um, Miss...Squibstitcher? This is the OnCrotch Call Center. We have CCC on the way. Have you had a crotchsplosion emergency?"

"_Fucking, duh, Wardo...the shit is seeping under the door. I got 20 minutes alone and I was reading _Tropic of Virgo_ and CROTCHSPLODE!...I had a hallucination and I saw my character SidWaitsWard across the room...fuck, that was hot..."_

"Right, uhh..." _Fuck, I have no idea what to say to that. I thought I'd kill at this job!_

Thankfully, the CCC beeped in and I was saved by the bell. I clicked the line off, and sighed. This should be going loads better. I wonder if Jasper's having any luck.

**JPOV**

I wasn't sure about answering phones, but it was kind of our fault that these women were suffering a mass outbreak of...spontaneous combustion, of sorts? Emmett was getting an incredible kick out of this, I could feel him giggling and slapping the desk. Edward was radiating frustration and it was making me antsy. Apparently, he wasn't doing very well.

Well, first call. _Here goes nothing._

"OnCrotch," _That is ridiculous. OnCROTCH. Did Emmett make up the name? Oh, no. Then, it'd be I'mInYourCrotch. Or CuntSplodeHotness. Or DaCrotchWantsMyCock. FOCUS!_ "This is Jasper. How can I help ya?"

"_Ohhhhhhh Myyyyyy Gawwwwwwwwwwd!"_

_Holy. Fuck._ "Miss," I looked at the screen in front of me, "TwoWackyKids?"

"_WHAT. THE. FUCK?!...*slurrrrp*...I can't stop drooling..."_

"Um, do you have any han'kerchiefs? Or any kind of cloth handy, ma'am?"

"_Ma'am? I'm not even thirty, twatwaffle! *slurp*"_

"I meant no disrespect, ma'—I mean, miss." I pushed every ounce of calm through the line, hoping it worked. "Are you able to slow your breathing, ma—" _Shit! "_Uh, miss?"

"_For fuck's sake...I have crotchsplosion all over myself. My fans aren't working and that fuckhot accent of yours isn't—"_ I heard a disconcerting splash. "_Goddammitalltohell, I did it again. Are you coming? *snicker* I could really use your _help._ Holy shit, I am so horny right now, I think my uterus has gone on strike until I can get with...wait, is this JASPER?! JAXXX? What the fu—*THUD*"_

I stared at the phone blankly for a few seconds. "...uh, ma'am?"

"..."

"Miss Twowackykids?"

"..."

Fuck. The CCC reps beeped in soon after and confirmed she was out cold. They thought she was dead, but it was apparently just catatonic, though her heartbeat was just incredibly weak. No wonder I couldn't hear it through the line.

The next few calls didn't go so well either. Miss Threadpanda literally shrieked into the phone after I said "This is Jasper" and passed out cold. She came to while I was still on the line, but she kept calling me "e e jasper" and asking if I liked clementines. I couldn't figure it out. I tried to get the story on what she'd done to cause the initial distress, but all I heard was "fingerporn," "JaXXX," and "Squeeeeeee."

Miss CarminMoon screamed a blue streak of creative southernisms that would've made me blush if I'd had blood to rush to my cheeks. She was a woman after my own heart; too bad Alice had that already.

Miss Adoraklutz was delusional, asking where I was since I was supposed to be at her place all week because someone named Shalu had "sent me to keep her company," and that made no sense to me. That made her upset, and when I sent calm and peace through the line, she passed out, and then CCC arrived.

This was getting exhausting. Emmett, meanwhile, was howling in laughter and I thought I heard him ask someone to send him a picture on his iPhone. _Sick bastard._ Edward would be in tears if he could cry. I wish he'd go take a break, his self-loathing disappointment is depressing me. He thinks he's a failure at something he should be amazing at. _Get a grip, brother._ He snarled at me.

_OK, here's another. Let's try one last time._

"OnCrotch," *WINCE* "this is Jasper. Can I help ya?"

"_/THUD."_

"Um, Miss MaleficentKnits? Hello? Are you okay, darlin'?" _Woops. That slipped. Alice will have my ass._

"_Guhhhh...."_

"Miss Maleficent, the CCC are on their way. Is there something I can do for you?"

"_Ohhhh, sweetie, you have no idea. Just keep talking! You sound like JaXXXsssssss.....Unnnnnffff."_

_This is awkward._ "Oookay. Are you comfortable?"

"_Mmmmmm, fuck you sound good enough to eat. Can I tie you up?"_

"What? Uh, no, ma'am, I...I uh, do you have towels?"

"..._Are you wearing a cassock, by chance?...*SPLAT*...oh fuck me, another one...No, really. FUCK ME."_

_This is just getting ridiculous._ "Ma'am—"

"_What am I? Your momma?...Hell, that's kinda hot. I can play that. Fuuuuck, I like this. Can I spank you?"_

"Thanks for using OnCrotch, the CCC will be there soon. KThxBai." I hung up. It was all I could take. I tried to push calm and all that shit down the wire, but the lust and desire firing back at me was damn near enough to get me to run over and start humping Edward's leg. I wonder if Alice is still at the house?

**EmPOV**

This was gonna be AWESOME! I settled myself in my second chair, having broke the first one. This was not a rare occurrence. Rose and I broke furniture all the time...though, there was usually fucking involved. _Shit, I'm totally horny again._ _HA! Edward, you love it when I think dirty. Take a look at this from me and Rose in the garage this morning..._A red stapler shot past my head and stuck in the wall.

"Fuck, Prudeward! You know Esme's gonna have yer ass for that." A flurry of freshly sharpened pencils broke against my arm like a swarm of arrows. _OH! Like in that movie _300_! Damn, I'd have made a badass King Leonidas. Hmmm...maybe Rosalie wants to play Gladiator later. Edward, have you seen the costume she wear—_

"Emmett," Edward began, his voice wavering in fury. "Please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, just. Answer. The. Phone. PLEASE. And quit thinking. Or, get me some bleach."

"How about a bleach pen?" A typewriter smashed around my head. _Fuck, that one almost hurt._ _Why do we have a typewriter? No one uses that shit anymore?_ _Whatever. Horny, 'gasming chicks all over the globe need some Emmett-time. An' I'ma give it to 'em. Hehehheheh..._

"OnMyCrotch, this is Emmett. Talk dirty to me."

"_(Heavy breathing)."_

_This is the best job ever._ "Really. Can you send a picture of that to my iPhone?"

"_Uhhh...Ohhh gawd...I just...'sploded all over myself. I...I ruined my...my favorite pants...I guess I should have—"_

"Whooaaa there, Nelly...back up. What are you wearing? And by what, I mean underwear. Lacy? Silk? Forget that. Thong? Commando? I want deets."

"_What? I thought this was OnCrotch? Is the CCC on the way? I'm having trouble breathing. I just read a bunch of chapters of The Dominant, and _Oh. My. Gawd..."

"Wait, is that one with Edward? As a Dom? AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA...fuck that noise." Click_._ Edward as a dom? I bellowed laughter throughout the office. Jasper turned and looked at me, annoyed. Edward did his best to pretend I did not exist. _Edward, you couldn't dom your own dick, man. Sorry. I love you, bro, but let's be real._ And he resorts to throwing office equipment again. This time, a file cabinet. Full. _Pansy._

_Let's see what's up with Caller Number Two!_

"OnMyIncrediblyStiffCock, this is THE Emmett McCarty Cullen. To what do you owe this honor?"

"_Emmett? Emmett Cullen?"_

_See? Chicks fuckin' love the monkey man._ "You got me, baby. What's the digs?"

"_Holy fucking SHIT! *pant* I was actually writing a chapter of my story about YOU and, well, I got a little overheated and crotchsploded all over my chair and desk. I can't stand up now."_

"That sounds fuckin' awes—_AHEM_, I mean, messy...er, uncomfortable?" _How do you act comforting? Rose says I do this sometimes. Shouldn't I know this?_

_STOP. FUCKING. LAUGHING, EDWARD._

"Uh, what fic is this, Miss Grendelsmother?"

"_Attractive Nuisance....guhh, could you do me a favor? Could you tell me what you're wearing right now?"_

_Rose would kill me for playing into this. Hmm...rough sex later. She'll probably tie me up and *_DODGE SPARE OFFICE CHAIR THROWN BY EDWARD* _get out the toy chest... _"Well, uh, GrendelsMamma, I'm naked as a jaybird, I believe the saying goes."

"_...unnnnnnfff...fuck. You're bullshitting me, right? I mean, you're probably...oh gawwd, I don't give a shit..."_ I heard a wet, splattering noise. _Damn, she sounds really, uh...horny. Fuck, now I'm horny. DIFFUSE the situation. Rose will rip off the most fun part of my body and burn it if I go further._

"OK, G-baby, let me tell you a joke. Talk you down until the CCC shows up."

"_Oh they're here, but I barricaded the door...."_

"Really? Um, are you going to let them in?"

"_Emmett, I told you I can't even stand up. THINK, MAN! I know you're smarter than everyone characterizes you! You obviously have not read _Attractive Nuisance._ Fucker."_

_Damn. I kinda like her. I wonder if she'd wanna join me and Rosie._ "Well, I..."

"_Shit...the CCC got through. Will you call me once they get me into my VIP suite? Or will you visit? I've got this costume for you to wear. It involves a buttflap and Burger King crown...I hope that's —/THUD." _Click.

_BEEP. "This is the CCC. We've got Grendelsmother in hand now. The crotchsplosion was severe, so she got a little delusional and, well, quite honestly a little feral. She'll be fine with some respiratory therapy and—"_

CLICK. I cut the line. I didn't need the details. Unless they involved her spongebath and a link to the pictures.

Just then Jasper went charging outta the place like his pants were on fire. _Ooohhh, wait. I felt the lust comin' off him like stink off a skunk. Hehehhehee...I wonder what he's off to do, Eddie? _He ignored me. _Bitch. _Fax machine.

Back to "work." I took a couple of other calls, but the first didn't appreciate my joke about the wolves, muttering something about wanting to talk to Jailbait instead. _Who the fuck is that?_ The next one loved my mustache ride comment, but started losing consciousness muttering something about Officer Swan and handcuffs. I hung up fast and involuntarily gagged. _SR5Rfan...hmmm. Kinky, but into Bella's dad. Cool guy. Likes football. Gah, I can't think about it. BLEACH PEN MY EYES, EDWARD!! _

"FUCK, BLEACH _MY _EYES, EMMETT! That's my father-in-law, for fuck's sake," Edward shouted, hoarsely. He was leaning on his knees, dry-heaving.

_Pussy._

"OK," I said aloud to myself. "I'ma give this one last try. This one better be good."

I adjusted the earpiece and stabbed the on button. "OnTheMostMagnificentManCrotchInExistence, this is—"

"_EMMETT."_

"Uh, yeah?" I was totally confused. This voice sounded a little familiar.

"_I want you. Now."_ Her voice was deep, sultry. And fucking dripping with want.

"Rosie?!"

"_Mmmmm, baby, I'm so wet for you...I need your massive cock in me...NOW."_

"Holy. Fucking. Shit. You know you just gave me a woody that could fill the Grand Canyon, right? Edward is cowering in fear of this erection right now."

"_I want all of it, baby. Get your ass over here..." _Click.

I _may_ or may not have crushed the desk and crashed through the windows in an effort to get outside the building and start running back to the house. I think I heard Edward grumble something about a "stupid fucking oaf" but I really didn't care what he was whining about when Rosie was probably waiting for me all naked and hot and shit.

I ran up the stairs and _may_ have ruined the banister on one side. I also may have ignored Esme's condemnations over said destruction. I flew through the door to Rosie's and my room, but it was empty. _What the fuck?_

I look on the dresser and there's a note. _WOOOT!_

_Emmett, I say we defile Prudeward & Bella's little cottage. I'm naked. Come get me. ~Rosalie_

My feet couldn't carry me fast enough. Even at vampire speed. There may have been wind resistance with my massive hard-on. _And yes. It is massive._ I busted through the door. Literally. I had already stripped naked between the front step and the first step inside the door. _Vampire speed is incredibly effectual in many ways._

I wished I had Alice's foresight or Edward's mindreading, because then I _MIGHT_ have heard or saw something about everyone in my family getting in on the joke. Everyone (even Edward, that fucker) was standing directly in front of me, Jasper behind the video camera. I stood there, a bit stunned, in all my naked, horny glory, as every one of those bastards laughed. Thank God, at the very least my parents were not in on this.

"Emmett?" Esme's smooth tone came from behind me, a bit smug, actually. "Lose your clothes, dear?"

_Fuuuuuuuuck._ I grabbed my junk, as my boner was long gone now at the sound of my mother's voice. "Yup. I, uh, ran so fast, they ripped themselves to shreds and fell off when I got to the door here."

"Nice try, son," Carlisle chimed in. I spun around, junk still in hand. My father stood behind Esme with a smirk on his face. "Listen, ALL OF YOU. I don't _want_ to know what's going on here, but let's just say that none of you boys will be manning the phones at OnCrotch. Ever. Again."

Esme giggled while Rose, Alice and Bella fell to the floor in hysterics. Edward smirked, but didn't really respond. I could tell he was actually disappointed in himself. Jasper just exuded relief.

"Was it that bad, Carlisle? I mean, I—"

"Emmett," he said, sighing, "It's not 'OnMyIncrediblyStiffCock'. You're fired."


	2. The Girls' Turn

**Back by "popular" demand (aka the UUbitches), more crotchsplosions to go 'round. Tell your friends. ;) Dedicated again to the UU krewe, with a wink, an assgrab, and a boob grope for good measure. Special thanks to Mal and Effbit for betafying. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy...**

**The CCUC OnCrotch Call Center, Part Deux: The Girls' Turn**

**

* * *

CPOV**

"_Listen, ALL OF YOU. I don't want to know what's going on here, but let's just say that none of you boys will be manning the phones at OnCrotch. Ever. Again."_

I was only slightly disappointed it didn't work out having the boys man the phones. Emmett...was not _designed_ for such a position. Job. _Gah...I've heard too much of his _humor_ today._

While I decided that no one in the family should be answering phones for any sort of long term engagement, I thought the girls might actually be effective. As I went about securing a full-time staff, I approached Bella.

"Bella," I began, leaning over the sofa where she was reading _Wuthering Heights_ for the thousandth time. "I wonder if you might be interested in helping me out today?"

"SURE, CARLISLE!" Alice came bounding down the stairs, half-dressed. _Heaven help me, these children of mine..._ "We are going to do a BANG UP job today! I have the PERFECT OUTFIT!"

"What?" Bella looked up from her book, completely confused.

"We're gonna man the phones today!" The pixie announced. "_Thank you for calling OnCrotch. This is Alice Cullen-Whitlock, how may I help you today?_"

She squealed in excitement, as you might expect. Bella stood, neatly folding a bookmark in the creased paperback. "Alice, are you sure about this? We're going to be answering calls for women who are spontaneously orgasming at the thought of _OUR HUSBANDS_. Are—"

"Oh, Bella, I can handle this! I know it! ROOOOSALIEEEEEE!!!"

_Shit. I feel another migraine-that-vampires-can't-even-get coming on._

"Carlisle, do you really want us to—"

"Bella," I tried to reassure her calmly, "I just need you to cover them today. I'm arranging for a full-time staff to take over as early as tomorrow. In the meantime, I'd hate for our clients to be without support just because the boys couldn't handle it."

"I RESENT THAT!!!"

"I FUCKING ROCKED THAT SHIT UP AND _DOWN_ THE FUCKING—" _Smack!_

"That was horrible. I never want to do that again."

The boys' response to my negative assessment of their time on the hotline came loud and all at once. Bella and Alice giggled in response. Rosalie was apparently the perpetrator of the smack that stopped Emmett's colorful retort, and appeared at the top of the stairs in a kimono that only covered her...important bits. I closed my eyes.

"Rosalie, we're gonna show up the boys and take calls at the OnCrotch Center and it's gonna be AWESOME!" Alice was way too excited, and I had my doubts whether her gift was going to carry her through the shift. I shouldn't say such things, but Alice had a tendency to be overly confident sometimes.

"Fuck me," Rosalie muttered and walked back to her room, hopefully to dress.

Emmett answered excitedly, "HELL YEAH, BABY!"

~*~*~*~*~

**BPOV**

I was a bit uneasy with this whole thing. I _know_ what a intense thing a lot people have for Edward, and while I wasn't exactly jealous or anything, it's just...weird. Not to mention for my brothers...in-law. Whatever. I just hoped it wouldn't be as awkward as I was imagining.

Rosalie was staring into her reflection on the computer monitor, fidgeting with a lock of hair. Alice looked at the clock. "First call in thirty-two seconds."

_Oh, hell..._

"Bella, you should take this one." The phone rang.

I cleared my throat and steeled myself. "OnCrotch—" _Good gawd, that sounds ridiculous! "—_This is Bella. How can I help you?"

"_Oh God! Ahhhh...."_ _Oh Jesus. This can't be for real._

"Uh, yes, Miss Polly...Pollypinecone?"

"_Do you have ANY idea how fucking HAWT Edward is—"_

_I think I'm choking on my own venom._

"Um, yes, actually."

"_Uggghhhh...my legs are numb. I can't feel my legs!"_

"Miss? Um, what were you reading? or...viewing?"

I heard a gurgling noise. _"Huh? Oh, uh...The Forbidden Room? I was hoping for an Evading the Orbit update, but gahh....splat...fuck another one...."_

"The Forbidden Room? I don't think I've heard of..."

Rosalie snorted and my eyes snapped to her. I covered the mic with my hand and hissed, "What?"

"It's a slash fic." She didn't look up, but appeared to be extremely amused.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means homosexual and/or threesomes. I believe the one in question is Edward and Jasper." Alice gasped and accidentally hung up her phone call. Rosalie, meanwhile had let two calls go unanswered.

My hand dropped from the receiver. "So, you think Edward and Jasper together is hot, huh?" I guess I might've been a little annoyed.

"_Oh yessss...."_ Pinecone lady sounded like she was having another..._crotchsplosion_. _"Haven't you read it? Edward dominating Jasp—Omigod, I ruined my last pair of clean panties...I need to take this picture of Edward's crotch off my screen temporarily—"_

"WHAT?!?" I was about to tear her a new one when the CCC broke through.

"_This is the CCC, we've got the situation in hand now. Miss pollypinecone is resting comfortably in the CCUC mobile unit. Please refrain from riling clients in the future. Thanks."_

I hung up the phone and scrubbed my face with my hands. _Edward dominating? HA! He's far too considerate for...wait. Hmmm...I wonder..._

My reverie was cut short by another flash on my screen. _Note to self: ask Rosalie if I can borrow some toy—_

"He'll go for it, Bella. He'll actually be really excited when you suggest it." _Sometimes, I wish Alice would mind her own— "_I love you, Bellaaaaa!" _Sigh._

"OnCrotch, this is Bella. How can I help—"

"_BELLA?! You cunttastic little bitch..."_

"Excuse me?!" _Click._ "Huh?"

I looked up to see Alice with her finger on the button. "Don't pay any attention to those calls, Bella. If they get nasty, just hang up. Don't feed into their jealousy."

I take a deep, unnecessary breath, hoping to have a moment before—the screen lights up. _Fuck!_ "OnCrotch," _Good GOD, that does not get any easier. Seriously, Carlisle?_ "This is Bella. How can I help you?"

"_Ooooooooohhh..."_

_Whimper._ "Um, Miss KiyaRaven? Are you able to—"

"_FUUUUUUCK. I'm horny as hell and my DH is sleeping already and...*splatterfest*...dammit, I'm crotchsploding all over the place. (mumbling) Kitty litter...Have you SEEN the latest pix of Pattsy?"_

"Pattsy?" _Who the fuck is that?_

"_UM, ROBERT. PATTINSON. Shouldn't you people be up to date on this shit?"_

"Sure, I guess," I muttered. "Sorry. OH, wait, is this the actor that's playing my—*ahem*—I mean, who's playing Edward?"

"_YES! Thanks for joining the conversation...Hey, Bella, it's not your fault. I'm really cranky when I'm horny."_

"Well, um, do you have any...toys? Or a, you know, vibrator or something?" I seriously did _not_ want to have this conversation.

"_Fuck, Swan, grow a set! I have plenty of toys, but after a few pix of The Patts staring at me with the insta-ovulation look, a toy is NOT going to cut it."_

"HEY! It's Cullen now, bitch!" I did not know where that came from but Rosalie looked at me and flashed a thumbs up.

"_There you go! Oh gawwwd, someone posted another Patts pic. Holy hell, I think my uterus fell out on that one...THANK GOD! The CCC...finally...someone air out the cooch, fellas..." _Click.

Jesus, this was stressful. To be honest, I'm a little too turned on. I'm really glad the guys aren't here, because I did NOT need Jasper ratting me out. And Thank God Little Miss Magic-Eight-Ball is completely enthralled in her job at the moment, because she's not exactly_ un_perceptive.

I'd found a deep breath was calming, so I pulled a few more before answering another call. Was it seriously only noon?

"_Nomnomnomnom..." What the?_

"Um, hello? This is, uh, OnCrotch?" I gagged slightly. Every time I said OnCrotch, I thought it'd get better. Nope. "Miss Effbit?"

"_Holy babycherublookingblondegigglyJesus!!!"_

"Is this even fic-related?" I was beginning to question the mere sanity of these chicks.

"_This is CROTCHSPLOSION-related, woman! I need fans. Lots and lots of *CHOKE*...gah..."_

"Miss Effbit!? Um, try to remain calm...or uh, breathe slow..._fuck,"_ I swore, as I realized everything I said was exactly what she was having trouble doing. _How do 911 operators deal with hysteria?_ I tried my damnedest to sound calm and authoritative. "Effbit, are you reading something in particular? Or looking at specific pictures?"

"_All of the above,"_ she panted. _"I was reading _The Screamers_ by KiyaRaven—"_

"Holy Crow, do all you bitches know each other? I just talked to her." I clapped my hand over my mouth, far too late to retrieve the comment. Rosalie guffawed. _Bitch._

"_As a matter of fact, we do, bitchface!" _She giggled uncontrollably at her comment, her breaths still quick and erratic.

"Um, sorry...why am I a _bitchface_?" I was sure that I may actually need sleep after this shift is over.

"_Oh relax, Prissypants; it's actually the actress who plays you. Peeps call her Bitchface..." _Her breathing was slowing. _Hey, this might be working!_

"Got it." I decided to let the snide nicknames slide as long as I was semi-successful at the task at hand.

I jumped in my seat as the CCC cut in. These calls were starting to make me anxious. _Damn, I wish I was still in the middle of my book_.

"_CCC here. We've got it from here. Miss Effbit is being taken to our respiratory therapy unit and will be resting comfortably momentarily."_

I slammed the handset and huffed. _Shit, I decimated it. Damn vampire strength._

"Relax, Bella," Alice cooed, covering her mouthpiece. "You're doing great!"

Next thing I knew, she had replaced my phone. I sighed, somewhat defeated. Immediately, the phoneline lit up again.

My defeated voice cracked in the middle as I answered, "OnCrotch. Bella."

"_Goddamn Tattward...ooh, fuck me..."_

"Miss Packerbelle?"

"_Uhh...huh?" _Dang. She sounded really out of it.

"Um, what were you, uh, _doing_ that caused your," _Fuck my life, "_crotchsplosion?"

"_I read the latest Clipped Wings and Inked Armor....*gushhh*...FUCK!...Thank God the spawn aren't here. I don't need their condescending attitudes..."_

"Right, uh, well, the CCC should be there..."

"_Who's gonna do this laundry? Do you think I have time to clean all this up? Oh hell...I just washed these pants..."_

"Miss, uh..."

"_OMAHGAH, did you READ about Edward's dick piercings?!"_

_HOLY FUCKING HELL, I am so done with this. _Click.

**RPOV**

Fuck, Bella's going to pop a vein over there if she doesn't relax. I think Mr. Century's-Worth-of-Blueballs must be rubbing off on her, because I swear she wasn't that prudish before. _Hmmm. Maybe she was. Nope, it was all Edward. He was always prudetastic._

I giggled to myself thinking of all the ways Emmett and I tortured him with loud sex over the years before he finally got some. Not to mention the three different pianos we crushed during certain sessions. Those were a mistake, but only because Esme's wrath is _fucking Old Testament shit._ I don't fuck with Mama.

While I was mentally tripping through the catalog of Edward-goading schemes, the screen in front of me started blinking again. I tapped the answer button. "OnCrotch. Rosalie. What?"

"_I _SAID_, that fucker is OFF. THE. LIST!"_

"Are you talking to me?" I swallowed the snort at the unintended DeNiro quote.

"_No, no...sorry, I was tweeting."_

"You were what?" _What the holy fuck are people doing with this _tweet_ business?_

"_Never mind. Is the CCC on its way or what? I ruined my last pair of clean tights."_

"Miss, uh," I glanced quickly at the screen, "Megi...what are you reading?"

"_Not. I was looking at that picture of Emmett...BAG OF EGGS!"_

_What. The. Fuck?!_

"Are you kidding me?"

"_I love the bag of eggs...*snicker*..._Emmett's_ in particular."_

"OOOH-kay, that's enough. Are you just _trying _to piss me off?"

I felt a thud on the back of my head and snapped my head around to see that smiling midget waving at me. "Be niiiiice!"

At vampire speed, I snarled, "If I wasn't in the middle of this oh-so-important bullshit job _thanks to you_, I would rip your limbs off and let Jacob and the mongrels use them as chew toys AND I would burn your closet to the ground."

At the last threat, Alice's eyes practically popped out of her head and a tiny squeak escaped her lips. I refocused on the phone line. "Uh, sorry, Megi...I, uh, anyway...so you're looking at my husband's sack, basically, and you're all hot and bothered and cumming all over yourself...Wow, that must be messy..."

"_Um, WHY do you think I'm calling? I need some CCUC help, here! Between Emmett and Frecklez—"_

"Frecklez?"

"_Oh, the guy who's playing Emmett in the movies? Guhh...*splat*...Fuuuuck!"_

"_CCC here. We've got her now...oh the humanity, the mess...She'll be fine. We'll get her cleaned up right away, and we've brought some replacement tights."_

I clicked the off button and sighed. _This shit is fucked. Are we done yet?_ I decided to ignore the next call. Take a break. _This is HARD WORK. _I could take apart and rebuild four different types of carburetors and install turbo boosters in all of our cars in half the time it takes me to destress from talking to these fanbitches.

I smoothed over my hair in the back where Alice's paperweight had hit me. _If she messed up my hair, I'll mess the bitch up._ Luckily, it wasn't that out of place. Bouncy McPerkyTits is lucky I love her, or I might've followed through on my de-limbing threat. The phone jangled again, so I rolled my eyes and clicked it on. "OnCrotch. Rosalie speaking."

A high-pitched, horribly-faked chick voice piped through. _"*Giggle*...Hi, Um, this is Miss EmmettsCockIsHuge...I can't stop crotch-exploding at the thought of Emmett and his...OOOhhhh...yeah, I just came all over myself...ooooh...Can I talk to him? I heard he was answering phones and massaging; I mean, helping us poor crotchingsploders—"_

_Christ on a cracker._

"Emmett, for the love of all that's sacred and holy, if you call again—so help me God—I will not have sex with you for a week and I will make you watch me fuck myself with a vibrator while I moan Edward's name."

I ignored the glare and gasp from Bella, who smashed her off button again.

"_GODDAMMIT!"_ Emmett's low boom shook the line. _"Ahem...*switches back to female voice* I mean, uh...what do you mean? I'm a woman? Woman! I'm a woman!"_

"Two weeks."

"_FUCK! Rosie, come on, I was just kidd—"_ _Click._ He should know not to mess with me. I'll give him the bluest balls on the planet. He'll be fucking Smurftastic before I'm done and even Edward won't understand his pain.

"Rosalie," Bella called to me. "If you stop being so harassive to the callers, I'll let you pimp the shit out of my car, okay? Just be a little nicer?"

I stared, eyeing her suspiciously. Bella _never_ lets me do anything but maintenance to her car. "Are you fucking with me?"

"No. I know sweetness isn't your forte, but...fake it."

I smiled wickedly because Bella must've had no idea what she'd agreed to. _I'll make her eat her words._ Before my mind could get too far into the list of ridiculous add-ons to Bella's Ferrari, the phones were lighting up. _Fuck, how did Alice get me to do this?_

"OnCrotchetyCrotchgasm, Rosalie here."

"_Fuck, my ass hurts!"_

_Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaa...._ "Um, Miss, uh...MrsTheKing?"

"_Awesome, you can read."_

"Fuck yeah, I can read. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"_Have we spoken before?"_

"Uh, I don't think so. This is Rosalie. Have we met?"

"_Sort of. Don't worry about it. Is Emmett there? Because he left one hell of a mess in my kitchen. Goddamn kitty litter is everywhere..."_

"Emmett was _THERE?!_" I felt my spine rip out of my body and wrap around my throat.

"_OOOH, no. Not your Emmett! Please don't kill me with your shoe...wait, I thought of that...Never mind, I'm kind of losing it."_

My eyes rolled around in their sockets. "You and me both, sister."

She laughed throatily.

"So what do you mean, not _my_ Emmett?"

"_Oh, I'm finishing up my own fic and Emmett is quite a vocal character,_" she sighed. I heard a loud squishing sound. _Ew._

"Which fic is this?" I asked.

"_Poughkeepsie."_

"Lame name."

"_Fuck you."_

_Ahahahahahahahahaaa...I like this bitch._ "You're awesome."

"_Read my fic. You are, too."_

"Are you, like, crotchsploding or something? Isn't that why people call?" I was a little confused because I both wanted to hang up and invite MrsTheKing over for shots and pool.

"_Yeah, but I'm used to it. Plus the leftover kitty litter is absorbing a lot of it."_

"Why does your ass hurt?"

"_You don't want to know."_

_Ahahahahahahahahahaaaa..._

"_This is the CCC...we've got..._Good God, the mess_...*AHEM* We've got this situation, uh, under control. Thanks, Rosalie."_

That was it. I can't do anymore because no other call can be that good. I've got to leave on a good note. And I think Mistress Rose is going to make an appearance this afternoon.

**APOV**

_This is SO. MUCH. FUN._ I tried to get Bella and Rosalie all pumped up and excited, but they seemed a little reluctant. I didn't understand _WHY_ they couldn't see how fucking awesome it would be to run circles around the guys' clusterfuck of a shift yesterday. Though, the joke on Emmett was killer.

Looking over at Bella, I wondered if she was going to run straight through the wall to get out of here. _Seriously, how could it be so bad?_ My phone started lighting up again. _Yay!_

"OnCrotch! This is Alice Cullen-Whitlo—"

"_Oh shut UP! I'm NUMB! My crotch has exploded and I CANNOT GET UP! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"_

"Um, yes, Miss...FeistyYoungBeden?"

"_Yes. That's me...Sorry, I'm on Percocet and it makes me loopy. I was writing some MadHattersper and my ladybits tinglequaked til they 'sploded...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!"_

_What the fuck? Who's...wait..._ "Wait, who?"

"_Jasper. Some peeps call him MadHattersper in my story Fix You, cuz he dressed up...SErIUOSlee...dooo I neeeed to 'splain this to youuuu? Gah, my leg fucking HURTS!"_

"I thought you were numb?"

"_Good catch. Glad you're paying attention. You've passed the first test. ICE CREAM! SOMEONE BRING ME ICE—ahhh, thank you."_

"Miss Feisty? Are you, uh, hello?"

"..."

"Are you still—"

"_GOTCHA! ahahahahah...Is someone coming—um, I mean, besides me? I need some cleanup help here. And some huge fans under my skirt...and hell, I wouldn't mind a couple of muscular dudes to carry me around Greek goddess-style...HEY! Is Jasper available? PLEEEAASE? I'm INNNJUUURRRRRRRRRED!"_

"Sorry,CCCwillbethereanyminutenowthanksforcallinggoodluckwiththat!" I slammed my phone down. I hoped that wasn't vampire speed otherwise she wouldn't have heard a word. OK, maybe she didn't anyway. _FUCK. I can do better than that._

I was a little flustered, which was such a foreign concept to me. I fake meditated for a moment and picked up the next call immediately.

_Let's try this again, Alice._ "OnCrotch! This is Alice Cullen-Whitlock! How can I help you?"

"(_Heavy Breathing...)"_

"Hello? Miss—" I flicked my eyes to the screen "—Criosa? Are you there?"

"_(Wheeze)...Yeah...Here..."_

I started bouncing in my seat. _OK! Here I go! Kick some ass!_ "OK, so what fic were you reading that caused your crotchsplosion?"

I looked over Carlisle's checklist of questions. Seemed like a good place to start.

"_I...I was re-reading some of The Arrangement...gahh...Jasper and Bella—"_

_WHAT. THE. FUCK!?! _I didn't know people were swapping us up like that!? I mean, OK, I'd heard Rosalie say something about slash fics, but how did I miss this? NO. FUCKING. WAY.

I completely stopped listening and started burning a hole in Bella's head with my eyes. _FINALLY,_ after a million years (23 seconds), she looks over at me and blinks.

"What?" she mouths at me. I simply glare. _NEVER! Bella could never have my Jasper._

"Jasper is MY husband!" I hiss. Her look of confusion grows. I feel a huge clunk against my skull. I turned to see Rosalie smirking.

"Get back to work, bitch," she demands. "It was aaaall your brillsy idea, Miss Alice Cullen-Whitlock..."

I flipped her off and ignored her cackle.

"*AHEM*...um, right. Sorry, Miss Criosa, uh, you still there?"

"_*GASP!*...What the...FUCK...I'm barely...breathing here...and my left eye just went kaput...I've had three mini-splosions and I'm afraid I may have ruined my very last pair of underwear. HELP!!"_

_Shit, I am epic fail right now._ "OK, the CCC is on its way and should be there any moment. Just focus on my voice...andrememberJasperismyhusbandandwillneverfuckbBellaEVEREVEREVER... and you'll be in your suite at the CCUC rehab center before you know it."

"_Wait...*wheeze*...what did you say in the middle there? It was too fast...I heard 'fuck Bella'...gawwwd that scene was so sweet and hot, FUUUUUCK Jasper..."_

Click. I couldn't listen to this anymore. Bella and Rosalie were staring at me like a couple of dying goldfish. "What?"

"You think you might not have handled that so well, Princess?" Rosalie cocked an eyebrow. _Bitch may have threatened my wardrobe, but I can take her._

"I know how to disable your Beemer, bitch." I leveled my eyes at the blonde.

Her eyes narrowed. "I fucking dare you," she seethed and stood. She began stalking toward me.

"WHOA!!!" Bella shouted, ripping off her headset and holding a hand out toward each of us. "I don't know why you guys are getting so worked up about it, but isn't this what we were supposed to expect? Crazy, lust-hazed fans that are all...uh, fantasizing and um, stimulated by our husbands.

It's uncomfortable, _and all Alice's fault_, but it's just _one day._ OK? So, just relax, both of you."

Rosalie made a "pffft" sound and closed the distance between us. Glamazon towered above me. I stood on the chair and snarled at her from above.

"Are you trying to intimidate me, Tinkerbell?" _Ohhh, she knows I _HATE_ that._

Bella sighed behind us. "_Fuck, where is Jasper when I need him?_"

_Wrong. Fucking. Thing. To. Say._

OK, so I could admit later that I _may_ have overreacted at this particular point. And I _may_ have lunged at Bella and _possibly_ detached her left arm.

IT WENT RIGHT BACK ON, OKAY?! WE'RE VAMPIRES! IT'S FINE.

"Hell in a fucking handbasket, are you kidding me, Alice?" Bella rubbed at her shoulder joint as it mended itself, and threw the torn sleeve of her blouse on the floor.

Rosalie pursed her lips and turned her head toward the window.

"What?" I asked, looking for any excuse to take the focus off me and my, uh, _slight_ overreaction.

"The guys were just outside."

"What?" Bella snipped. "Why would they—"

I threw my hand up for her to be quiet. I felt all the rage at both Bella and Rosalie drain from my limbs like water down a drain.

"My darling husband has been manipulating us."

"At _MY_ darling bastardofamotherfuckergonnapayforthat husband's prompting, no doubt." Rosalie's arms were crossed over her chest, and I could see that _now_ she was really pissed. Honest-to-God, completely fucking pissed.

I slid my gaze over to Bella. Her eyes were slits, staring out the window. "And Edward was reading your minds, helping out. _He is SO. DEAD._"

I couldn't help but to giggle. Most would argue we already are (dead, that is). They both looked at me and started giggling, too.

The call center abandoned, we headed back to the main house to confront and basically scare the shit out of our boys. _Yes—BOYS, not men_. Filing in the house, the idiots had the balls to look not only innocent, but as though they'd been hanging out at the house the entire time.

Emmett was fumbling with the Xbox controller, trying to look like he'd been engrossed in the game for hours. Edward was reading _War and Peace_ (which was upside down), and Jasper attempted to appear interested in Emmett's video game, limply holding the other controller.

"Oh, hey baby," I sing-songed, strolling over and plopping down on his lap. His Adam's apple bobbed with his silent gulp. I may have had the exterior of calm, cool, and collected, but he read me better than that. I felt his fear spread out into the room like a brushfire.

"Hello, my love," he whispered.

"Been busy?"

He eyed me warily. "I was just...uh,...we were..."

I grabbed his nipple with a harsh pinch and twisted. "What? Not _fucking_ with us over at the call center, were you?" My teeth gnashed together as I spoke, feeling his whimper at my deathgrip on the nip.

"Ahhh..." _Yeah, I know it hurts, baby._

"What? I didn't hear you?"

"IT WAS EMMETT'S IDEA!" He shouted, and I immediately released my fingers from his chest. His entire body relaxed.

"What the FUCK, dude?!" Emmett threw the controller across the room. "How do you just toss me under the bus like that? I didn't even _do_ anything!"

"HA!" Rosalie stomped on his foot with her heel. _WHOA! Those are new Choos! Blood red suede...FOCUS!_ "You called the hotline three times!"

"Nuh-uh!" _Jesus on a pogostick, he is perpetually four years old._ "I just called that once!"

"That was the only time we answered, Em," Bella said from Edward's lap where, _God love my girl,_ she had him in a headlock. Like the emo sap he is, he let her. "We paid more attention to the caller ID after your first call."

"Yeah, Miss EmmettsCockIsHuge," I giggled. Then, I remembered I actually ripped Bella's arm off. "OMIGOD, BELLA!! I'm SO. SORRY!"

If I could cry, I would have. I ran over and jumped into her lap, ignoring Edward's groan beneath us. Bella laughed and hugged me, smoothing her hands over my hair.

"It's okay, Alice," she said softly. "I'm just glad I have something to hold against you when you try to drag me to the mall or make me your life-size Barbie doll."

"You mean—"

"I'm permanently off duty." She was a little too smug for my taste.

I got up and slowly spun toward Jasper. "You are _SO_ not getting any tonight."


	3. Part Twat: Guests

**A/N: **OK, so mah girls PB(r), K1P2, and Betham bought my ass in the Support Stacie auction, and this is what they won. Good onya, girls. Luv & shout-outs to all mah UURavBitches...especially those making appearances thanks to my patronesses. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**The CCUC OnCrotch Call Center, Part Twat**

**CPOV**

This call center was taking far too long to come together. The first day with the boys was hilarrible. The girls, who I'd been sure could handle it twice as well, crashed and burned. Rosalie even ignored calls. Alice gave a few a "talking to" because she got territorial. And surely in an attempt to make my head explode, Emmett had to play the joker and corral Edward and Jasper into making the girls' shift even more difficult. To top that off, Alice's punishment for Jasper rubbed off on the rest of us. The entire house was pruned with lust and melancholy. Emmett was in a constant state of would-be tears, knocking over every breakable in the house with his erection (which of course he found hilarious except that he cried after he laughed). Rose took to punishing him hourly. We didn't see Bella and Edward for a while as they refused to set foot in the main house with the atmosphere.

After a week of Jasper's mood, my dear, sweet-tempered Esme shocked us all by shouting, "Dear God, Alice, would you do us all a favor and fuck the man?!"

Emmett was very proud. He cried. Again.

Today, I sit alone in my study, _still_ trying to fill the full-time staff positions for the call center, while simultaneously setting up satellite offices around the world. It was slowly coming together, but as it seemed to be a pattern, I needed to fill the upcoming shift and was coming up short.

I staunchly refused Emmett's offers to cover the phones by himself, reminding him that Rose would help me punish him and _No, not in that way_. Sometimes, I was sure the boy was one giant gland.

Then, as if a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds, help arrived on my doorstep.

"Jacob!" I smiled, perhaps a little wickedly, as he came over the threshold. "How are you?"

"Uh, good," he shook my hand tentatively.

"Hello Leah, Paul," I greeted the other pack members cordially as they followed Jacob in, scowls decorating their faces. Leah grunted in response. Paul mutely nodded.

"I'm so glad you're here!" I declared, realizing I sounded slightly insane.

Worry painted their features. "Um, Alice called a little while ago and said you needed us for something?" Jacob offered, extremely hesitant, like I was going to operate without anesthesia.

_Alice. I swear that girl..._

"Well, yes, actually," I hedged. "You've heard about the CCUC and our efforts with its fanfiction clients?"

Leah gagged audibly while Paul snarled. Jacob shifted his gaze around and coughed. "Yeah, heard about that."

"Well, we've got this call center, and I could really use your help answering the phones today. I'm still having trouble getting a reliable permanent staff together."

Before I could gauge what kind of response, there was another knock on the door. I didn't have the best feeling about this...

"Aro." My eyes could have popped out and fallen on the floor without my notice. _An unannounced visit from Aro? Shit, Marcus and Caius, too? FUCK ME._ "And Caius, Marcus...uh, so good to see you. Please come in."

I heard growls rumbling from the pack, and had this awful feeling that the three of them would _fursplode_, as Alice liked to say, in the middle of my foyer. "Jacob, Leah, Paul, this is Aro, from the Volturi, and his brothers Marcus and Caius. Aro, these are members of the wolf pack. They're family to the Cullens."

Leah grimaced, but Jacob and Paul swallowed their defenses to put on a good show.

"Delightful!" Aro was obviously amused as he offered his hand to Jake (as if to kiss it), though I noticed his nose wrinkle slightly. Jake stared at it like he could light it on fire.

"Christ, they stink!" Caius backed out the door and was waving his arms around, trying to disperse the imaginary foul cloud. Marcus rolled his eyes at him.

"Caius, you're such a child. Get in here and greet our new friends!" Aro reached further and grasped Jacob's hand in both of his, holding it still. Jacob's façade began to crack and he tried to pull his hand away. "Fascinating! They're afraid of us!"

Jacob roared and lunged to attack Aro, but Paul thankfully held him back. I'm positive I saw hackles raise between his shoulder blades. Aro swatted an advancing Caius, who fell backwards and cracked the molding by the door.

"WHOA!" I jumped between them and hollered. "Please calm down, guys," I spoke to the room. _Where the fuck is Jasper when you need him? OH, right...making it up to Alice for his bad behavior._ "I know this is strange, but we are all friends here, OK?"

Aro, still grinning in that creepy "everything is fucking delightful" way of his, extended his hand again. This time, he was obviously prepared for a handshake. The wolves still looked at it like it had fleas, but Jake took the plunge and shook it anyway.

"Fantastic!" _Good lord, did Aro's lunch do a boatload of magic mushrooms or LSD or something?_ "Carlisle, my good man, I'm told there's something we can help you out with today. Some sort of goodwill mission for humans."

And _that_ was how three Volturi and three wolves came together to man the phones for the OnCrotch Call Center.

_God help us all._

~*~*~*~*~

**ARO**

This was altogether too exciting. How often did my brothers and I get the opportunity to interact with humans? Well, besides for meals, I mean. Even then, that was really just playing with our food. _Ahahahahaa! _This was actually being _helpful_ to them. Enhancing their lives with profound charity!

My, Carlisle certainly had become one of the most altruistic beings I've ever encountered in many a century, human or otherwise. Actually, I'd never really encountered another vampire so compassionate towards such lesser creatures as humans. And to the dogs, even! Or wolves...whatever. Mongrels, really. Though they do seem fairly civilized, albeit shabbily dressed. The female is excruciatingly rude, but it is entertaining.

_Oh, I'm supposed to be working here...Hmmm, this phone getup is interesting._ I picked up the headset and leered at it. I never answer any calls or tend to such base activities in Volterra. Heidi or one of our servants took care of that, but I was somewhat intrigued to see how some of this equipment functioned. Carlisle took extra time to show me exactly how it worked and how to speak to my food—_ahem—_that is, the _clients_ while they are on the line. I could certainly handle this. Yes. I could.

Before lines began to ring, I eyed Caius, who was sulking at the desk next to me. I stood and moved next to him, laying a hand on his neck. _Fucking asshole. Why the FUCK should I be _HERE_ helping _HUMANS_ recover from ridiculous goddamn orgasms inspired by Cullens? They're not even REAL VAMPIRES, for fuck's sake. Fuck you, Aro. You know I'm right. Get your damn hand off me and get the fuck out of my head. I'm here. I'm going to _work_. Just back the fuck o—_

"Caius, brother, relax! Didn't I promise you a stateside meal while we're here? If you're lucky, maybe you can try some of the local cuisine." A distinct loud rumble shook the tables on the other side of the room. I lifted my gaze to see all three mongrels—_okay, _wolves—glaring at me, teeth bared. "Oh, aren't they adorable, Marcus?" I teased. "They're like puppies!"

"Listen, leech!" The female jumped in front of her leader, Jacob, I believe, and pressed her soft chest to my ribs. "I'm more than disgusted by having to share this room with you all day, let alone for a fucking second! So, what do you say you shut the fuck up with the 'dog' remarks before we decide to have a stinking bloodsucker bonfire, eh?"

Jacob pawed her shoulders and pulled her behind him, still glaring daggers at me and Caius. "Don't bother, Leah," he tossed his order over his shoulder at her. "As for you, bloodsucker, back off, all right? We're all here to lend a hand to Carlisle, and that's it. OK?"

_Sign of a true leader, the conciliator. Interesting._ "So you are the alpha of your little group, yes?"

"What is this, get to know you? I think we have calls coming in," he snorted, turning and heading back to his appointed desk.

"Excellent!" I turned to see Marcus already on a call, Caius toying with his headset. I quickly sat back at my station and prepared myself to take a call. Moments later, the tiny red light flashed. I tapped the button.

"Greetings, mortal in distress! You have reached the Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care's OnCrotch Call Center. You have the honor of speaking with Aro, leader of the Volturi. What, pray tell, is vexing you this wonderful day, sir or madam human?"

_Click._

"Hello?"

...

"How...how _rude_!" I looked around the room momentarily. Everyone was on calls. _Surely someone here can understand manners._ I caught Marcus' eye and he just nodded. I clipped a smile and saw the red light flash again.

"Greetings! You have reached the Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care's OnCrotch—"

"_WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!? I GET _YOU_ AGAIN?"_

"Uh, madam?"

"_Jesus H. RollerDerbyQueen Christ, I read some House of Lust and damn near blow a hole through the LazyBoy and all I want is some relief in the form of the hot CCC guys, and I get YOU harping on some shpiel about how you're a leader of some phony cult—"_

"I resent that, you feedbag! The Volturi are the ruling..." I began choking on my words from the outrage. "What is your name?" I glanced to the screen briefly. "What? What is this _BabySwan_ business? Do humans not give their spawn actual _names_ anymore?"

"_It's a handle, you overly formal jackass! As in, a nickname? A—"_

I was utterly bored by this, so I tapped the off button, ending the call. It would have been _so_ much more interesting if these so-called clients were here, so I could simply read their thoughts and see their distress. _Oh, yes, that would be tasty, wouldn't it?_

I felt their eyes before I turned. Paul, I believe his name was, had a paper airplane aimed directly at my head. Before he could blink, I had the folded masterpiece crumpled between my fingers, my teeth snapped at the tip of his nose. "I would think twice, pooch," I hissed, feeling the red begin to drain from my irises. "I might decide I need a snack..."

He literally growled at me, his eyes a delicious menace. "Aren't you supposed to be answering calls?" Jacob's strained voice pierced the air, and I spun to face him.

"Of course! My apologies," I offered with a sneer. "You may do well to remind your underlings of the same."

I felt the slightest ping of a paperclip on the back of my head. "Children, Marcus, aren't they wonderful?"

Marcus snorted and replied loudly, with slow clarity for canine ears, "Some of the best meals I've ever had."

Leah made some more ridiculous commentary, but I'd already begun to tune out the pitch of her voice. So, back to the task at hand.

The red light was already flashing again, so I settled in the chair—_Carlisle _really_ must get some higher quality furniture. I will have Heidi send him some from Italy._

"Greetings, delusionary human! You have—" Another paperclip hit me, this time in the eye. I followed the trajectory and found that it was Jacob this time. "What on earth?"

"Perhaps if you cut down the twenty-minute greeting, the person in _distress_ wouldn't be so pissed by the time you SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP." So very discourteous, but I supposed he might have a point.

"Ah...This is the OnCrotch Call Center. I am Aro, may I ask what is troubling you today?" I pointedly glared at Jacob who actually chuckled, but nodded. _Cheeky mutt._

"_Yeah, hi...um, this is my first call here, but I really think I need some help...I *wheeze* am having a little trouble...*cough*...breathing...I've crotchsploded all over my kitchen and...*gah*..."_

"Marvelous!"

"_What?"_

"I find this phenomenon simply fascinating, Madam Maylin."

"_Are you kidding me?...*COUGH*..."_

"Not at all! Would you mind describing this..._crotchsplosion_ to me? I would so love to see this directly from your mind, but alas, we must accept the distance and settle for the description from a human mind," I sighed, closing my eyes.

"_*Wheeze*...You're creeping me out."_

"Really? That is so charming."

The bitch across the room muttered, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me," from across the room, as though I couldn't hear her. _Does she not realize we have hearing to surpass all creatures? Even sophisticated human machinery? And such language._

"_Charming? *Hack*...You are the shittiest OnCrotch Specialist I could have ever imagined. I had a bunch of yarn to dye up but now I'm useless from the waist down, so I can't get to my supplies! And you sit there telling me it's CHARMING!" _She devolved into a fit of wet coughs.

"My dear human, I am here for you. I—" A strange chirping sounded. I turned to Caius who rolled his eyes and got up, walked to my side and pulled a tiny phone out of my pocket. I grabbed it from his hand, sliding my fingers across his skin. _It's your fucking cellphone you pompous ass._

"My, such ill-humor, brother," I teased before opening the phone. "Hello?...Sulpicia, dear, what can I do for you..."

"_Holy hell...the asshole is on ANOTHER CALL??!"_

"I left Gianna in charge of all meals while we were out of town!...I can't be—"

"_FUUUCK!"_

"Darling, I must call you back. Or speak with Demetri, he can speak for me on these matters....I have a nasty _human_ on the line here....Yes, yes, my mate, I will speak to you later." Rolling my eyes, I set down the cellular device and shifted my attention to the whining that rang through the headset.

"Miss Maylin, I daresay you are overreacting. What were you reading?" I was truly weary of this.

"_Urrgghhhhh...The Blessing and The Curse..."_

"OH! That sounds promising!" I was suddenly intrigued again. "Please tell me about the story!"

Suddenly, static broke over the line. _"This is CCC, we're on the scene, we'll take care of Miss Maylin now. She'll be fine. No yarns were harmed in this crotchsplosion."_ The call ended.

_Ridiculous._

Realizing I had yet to get to hear about any of these tales humans read about the Cullens, I anxiously picked up the next call.

"Greetings! You have—_AHEM_—that is, uh, this is the OnCrotch. Aro speaking, how can I assist you?" _OnCrotch. That really is quite crude. I will speak to Carlisle about it later on._

"_Yes...I uh...wow...I'm having trouble breathing..."_

"Compelling. More breathing irregularities? Continue, Miss Naelany," I said in my most soothing voice. "Tell me what you were reading when this difficulty began."

"_Uh...I wasn't...I was actually writing my fic—"_

"YOUR fic? Is that what you call your Cullen tales? Wonderful! Do tell me all about this _fic_ you are composing!"

"_Um, okay...it's called At the Deep End and revolves around Jasper and Edward—"_

"Jasper and Edward? Is this an adventure story, like pirates? Dueling swords and that kind of caper?" The poor woman was overtaken in a torrent of hysterical laughter. I could not fathom what on earth set her off. She began choking on her own veno—er, saliva, I imagined.

"_...*gasp*...Wow...I just had an image of the swordfighting...*pant*...um, sure...you could say that, in a manner of speaking...*snicker*"_

"Thrilling! So who dominates?"

"_*Cackle*...um..."_

"Oh, perhaps I should read it for myself," I mused aloud. "Are they great foes? What kind of booty is at stake?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"..."

"Miss Naelany?"

"_What in the holy hell are you playing at there? This is the CCC, and Miss Naelany was completely incapacitated and not breathing when we arrived. We've revived her, but she's being transported to her VIP suite at the CCUC for extreme therapy and rest." _Click.

How disappointing. At least I'd gotten the name of the story so that I might search it out later. I did appreciate a good swashbuckling yarn.

~*~*~*~*~

**JACOB**

_I CANNOT believe we got roped into this._

I should have known better than to pick up that call. Alice was always too fucking sweet and always bowled my shit right over. I never thought I'd get along with the Cullens so well, but since C.C. and I were closer than ever (Bella made me come up with something besides "Nessie" to call Renesmee, and since her given name was rigoddamndiculous, I came up with C.C. from her middle and last names), I found it increasingly easier to be friends and even family with everyone. Except Rose. _That bitch can suck it._

So we've been here less than an hour and already Aro's been in my face, like the arrogant asswipe he is. He also had the balls to say we were afraid of him. That was _not_ what I was thinking. Swear. I was thinking it freaked me out that the douchebag wore his fucking robe all the way here from Italy. _Put on some pants, man! I know you don't do jeans, but Christ, you didn't just get out of the sauna. And no, I don't care if it's woven from the hair of your enemies or whatever._

Leah nearly had a coronary any time one of the royal pricks dared to gesture in our direction. Like I needed _her_ more aggravated. There was a clear line between our side of the room and theirs. And that was fine by me.

I took a deep breath and tried to shake the tension out of my muscles. I supposed I should have put a shirt on 'cause Aro kept staring at me. _I thought they had wives? Must be his beard. Whatever._

I finally sat back down and mentally prepared myself to take a few calls. The light blinked, and I put on the headset.

"OnCrotch, This is Jake, how can I help?" _Jesus, Bells wasn't kidding. That feels even more idiotic once you actually say it._

"_What? Who? DID YOU SAY JAKE??!"_

"Um, yes?" _I admit it. I'm a little freaked now._

"_Oh fuuuuuck...*splat!*" Ew. I don't even wanna know what that was._

"Um, Miss Ceci9293?" _Ceci?_

"_Yeah? Ohhh...do you mind if I call you Jailbait?"_

"What?" _What the fuck?_

"_Nevermind."_

"So, are you having trouble breathing? Or something like that?" _Wow, I am SO not qualified for this._

"_I can breathe okay...I just...UNNNNNGGHH..."_

_HOLY HELL._

"_Gawwd, is this really Jacob?"_

"Yes, ma'am." _I'ma kill Edward. He could've told me what went down on these calls..._

"_Awww, man, that was the last clean pair...and now the Teeniest Bitchface is smirking at me. NICE! Isn't mommy funny?!"_

"Ceci, um, why uh...what's causing the mess?"

"_It's a little embarrassing...I was reading _Life According to Seth,_ and I was laughing so hard, but then I saw some new Jailbait pics and—"_

_Hold up._ "Sorry, what? There's stories about Seth?"

"_Uh, yeah. A couple. So good. But that wasn't—"_

"Wait, okay, so what are these about? They center on SETH?"

"_Don't get all bunged up, wolfstud, you're the hottest thing on four paws."_

_Hahahahaaa...AHEM._ "Yeah, uh, OK...sure, thanks."

"DUDE, are you BLUSHING?" _Fucking Paul._

"NO!" I shouted over my shoulder.

"_What?"_

"Um, sorry...I wasn't talking...nevermind," I mumbled, clearing my throat. "So, Ceci, how are you feeling? I'm sure the, uh, CCC? They'll be there any minute, right?"

"_Are you wearing a shirt?"_

"Excuse me?"

"_I SAID, are you shirtless? Naked from the waist up? Sporting the eight-pack? Bouncing your unclothed pecs? Oiling up the guns?"_

_What on earth? _"Um...yes?"

"_REALLY?"_

"Wait, what?...Why?"

"_JUST PLAY ALONG WITH ME, MAN!"_

_Jesus, I bet Emmett ate this shit up_. "Fine, yes! I'm shirtless and rubbing suntan oil on my chest and all over my rippling abs—"

"_/THUD."_ I actually heard her hit the floor and, uh, crotchsplode (*_gag*)_. Luckily, I heard the CCC arrive just after that, and they took over. But not before verbally berating me for egging her on. _SHE WANTED IT. I WAS BEING ACCOMODATING! WHY DO I ALWAYS GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING ACCOMODATING TO CHICKS?!_

_Deep breath, man. You can do this._

I caught Leah eyeing me from her desk. More like stabbing my forehead with her glare, but whatever. "Having fun, Clearwater?" I teased.

"Fuck you, Jake," Leah snarled.

"Nasty," I continued. "You know I don't think of you like that."

"Children," she mutted to herself, turning back to her screen.

_Ugh..._I rolled my head around in circles, trying to loosen up again and take another call. _OK, here we go..._

"OnCrotch, Jake, how can I help ya?"

"_NO. FUCKING. WAY! TOOT! TOOT! MOTHERFUCKERS!!" Oh. Dear. God._

"Miss, uh, Sareeswfla?" There was hooting, hollering, and I swear I heard singing/rapping about "dolphins, flips & shit" or something like that.

"_YESH!! Do you work out in the rain?"_

"What?" _Seriously. Fuck my life._

"_Ahhahahahaha...I'm kidding. Sort of. *squish*"_

"What was that noise?"

"_THAT, my dear nearly-legal boy, is a CROTCHSPLOSION, and the reason for my call."_

"You're awfully calm."

"_It's strange, isn't it? Wait, tell me about your workout regimen or something."_

"Um, I don't work out. I run with the pack in wolf-form but—"

I felt a stapler clip my ear and spun to see Leah raising an eyebrow in challenge. I covered the microphone and responded. "You really want to provoke me?"

"_OOOhhhhh, that's so HOOOOTTT...unfff.."_

_Shit, she can still hear us._ "Later, Clearwater. You and me. It's ON."

"Whatever. I could kick your sorry ass in my sleep, Black." _I swear, Harry and Sue should have drowned her at birth._

"Sorry, uh, for the interruption. So how are you doing?"

"_Unnnnnnghhhh...*splatter*...WOW."_

_This cannot be real._ "Miss?"

"_Yeah, yeah...still here. 'Sploded all over myself again. Listening to you bitch out LEAH—HA!! Then, I pictured you all nakey-time and...unnffff...SHIT. These socks are NOT superwash and that is NEVER coming out. HA! I said, 'COMING!'"_

...

"_Jailbait? I mean, uh, Jacob?"_

"Ye—" My voice inexplicably jumped four octaves. "Uh, yes. Sorry, I need a quick sip of water..._dry in here_."

"_So, are you seriously all up on _Remumblemumble_?"_

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAA!_ It seemed that suddenly the entire room stopped. Everyone was staring at me. _What the fuck?_

_Oh, shit. I laughed out loud._

"Were you just talking about Rene—"

"_COME ON, dude. No one thinks 'RUH-NEZ-MAY' was a sound choice. More like, 'how stupid of a name can I come up with?'"_

_HAHAHAHAHAHA—_I stopped and looked around. _Shit, I did it again._

"I, *AHEM*, yeah, well...I kinda hate it, a little. OK, it's ridiculous," I admitted. Very quietly. With my hand over the microphone. Yes, I was aware there were two vamps with superhuman hearing in the room. Just as long as Bella couldn't hear me.

"_WOOOOOOT! Hahahaa....I love you, man. No, seriously. I love you. You make me cream my jeans on a daily basis, and therefore do way more fucking laundry than I should ever have to, but I love you. Can I ride that shit?"_

"_This is the CCC; we're on scene and have Miss Sareeswfla in hand. Dear God, the mess...*Taylor, we're going to need an extra cleanup crew*..."_

Click.

_Am I supposed to understand what the fuck happened after each call?_

~*~*~*~*~

**CAIUS**

_This is the biggest crock of bullshit ever._

I couldn't believe Aro talked me into coming. OK, so he fucking badgered me. My brother the _leader_. I swear, next thing I know he's going to start walking around with a fucking sceptre and sporting a crown.

I mean, I liked Carlisle as much as he did, but seriously? We travel all the way to Bumfuck, Washington to answer fucking phones? The entire trip I'd been trying to figure out where he came up with this harebrained idea. He mentioned something about Alice calling, but not to worry. He _did_ promise me a good meal, so he'd better deliver. _And actually, I wouldn't mind a bit of canine...but those _dogs_ fucking _STINK.

Aro was amused beyond reason at every single call he took, though I think everything those women said went straight over his head. My brother didn't exactly keep up with the pop culture. While incredibly intelligent, slang doesn't exactly compute.

"Caius, my dear brother, we're here to answer these calls of human anguish! Get thee to your headset!" I whispered mockingly to myself. Marcus snickered behind me, but Aro was listening to himself talk, so he completely missed it. _For now. I'm sure Marcus will run and tell him just to be a little kiss-ass._

The red light on my screen started to flash. _It's feeding time back in Volterra._

"Caius. I'm here to help," I said sarcastically. "What's exploding for you today?"

"_Nice attitude...*pant*...What the hell?...*gasp*...Dammit, I can't breathe..."_

"Oh, right...uh, well, try to relax..." _This is TORTUROUS._

"_Gee, thanks...I had NOT thought of that!...FUCK...*cough*..."_

"Of course, well, Miss Aradi, might I ask what you were reading or viewing upon your, uh, explosion?"

"_Hahaha! Yeah, the 'splosion...oh, man, you might be a dick, but even you could appreciate the hotness...*wheeze*...and deliciousness...*slurp*...of Tropic of Virgo. FUCKHOT, that is."_

"Right; noted." _Someone pull my arms off. No. My ears. Rip my ears off. I've never heard of successfully making a vampire deaf, but there is a first time for everything. Although Carlisle would probably find some genius fucking way to fix it._

"_What the fuck(1), man? Aren't you supposed to be _helping_ me out or something? At this point, I think you're HURTING. Epic fucking fail, if you ask me."_

"Way to make me feel guilty. I'm just swimming in it now. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, how awful I feel."

"_AAAAAhahahahahahahaa.....*choke*...You *cough*...evil sick fuck...*cough-cough*...hahahahahaaaa...."_

_Evil? Sick fuck? I think I'm in love. Athenodora, you have been replaced. KIDDING. ARO WHEN YOU READ THIS IN MY HEAD LATER, JUST KNOW I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU IF YOU TELL MY WIFE._ "That...may be...the nicest thing anyone's said to me in...a century or...four. Wow...If I could cry, I think I would."

"_*wheeze*...You're not gonna, like,...*pant*...ask me to go steady or some shit, right?"_

"Um, no. My wife would not appreciate that...unless you were for dinner." _Oops. I think Carlisle asked us not to joke about that. My bad. HAHAHAHAHA...who'm I kidding? I've been waiting to make a comment._

"_Hahahahaha...yeah, sorry. No meal ticket here. Literally..."_

_I think I might be sick. I kinda like this human. I had no idea they had were capable of such a sense of humor._ "Too bad. I'm quite hungry."

"_Holy fuck, man. I'm drowning in my own crotchjuice here. Is the CCC coming or what?"_

_Aaaand she just lost her flavor._ "Any time now. Just, ya know, breathe slow and don't read any more of Debussy88—"

_FUCK._

"_YOU READ IT! YOU FUCKING POSER! YOU'VE BEEN READING FANFICTION!!!"_

"Fuck-off-go-choke-on-your-own-crotchjuice,thanksbye."

The snickering bastard behind me was about to lose a limb. Or his head. "Marcus, so help me, if you say another word..."

"Why hasn't Aro said anything about it? He had to have seen that in there!" He tapped at his temple as he spoke, the nauseating knowitall sort of grin plastered on his ugly mug.

"Just shut the fuck up, OK? Take another goddamn call," I hissed. Another laugh stung my ears. I twisted the other way to see the female covering her mouth. "What, _bitch?_"

Her expression stilled. "Call me a bitch again. Do it. I _DARE_ you."

A smile grew crookedly. "Dog. Female. Female dog. _Bitch._"

"LEAH!" Jacob chided, increasing my grin, and amusement. "Don't even bother, okay? Just get through it."

She gnashed her teeth. "Fine. But I'm taking it out on _YOU_ later."

"You wish," he muttered.

"Asshole."

_Children. Such children._

"Caius, how may I assist you?" I absolutely _refused_ to say "OnCrotch." That was beyond my capacity.

"_I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!"_

Oh good. "Right. Well, Miss SorceressCirce, the CCC will be there very soon, so sit tight."

"_Are you fucking kidding? SIT TIGHT? What else can I do, you colossal jackass? I CAN'T WALK. I was reading through some recent chapters of All I Ever Knew and crotchsploded so hard—"_

_Why does every word around this place manage to include 'crotch?'_

"—_I blew a hole right through my pants! My gawwwd, Jasper and Edward together are so—"_

"They're _brothers_, that's disgusting." Thoughts of kissing Aro brought up half a millenia's worth of stale vomit.

"_Dipshit, they're not brothers in this fic, and to boot, they're not real brothers anyway. What is your problem?"_

"I KNEW THAT." _I did, right? Yeah, of course I did. That'd be...weird. Forget it._ "Right, so, they're all hot together and blah blah...what else?"

"_Um, who am I talking to again?"_

"Caius."

"_Well, Caius?"_

"Yeah?"

"_You suck at this. I'ma wait for the CCC in silence and meditate on the fact that I'd rather be paralyzed from the waist down, in a puddle of my own juices than be _'calmed and/or comforted'_ by you."_ Click.

Well that was easy. Seems I've found an easy way to get through the day.

**LEAH**

_Black is asking for it. How in the fucking hell did that little shit talk me into this? OH, that's right, because he's my ALPHA. .Real._

I'd taken three calls and every one of these feebleminded whorebags was OBSESSED with the leeches. _Seriously, how is that possible? Okay, maybe Bella isn't SO bad, but she still reeks since she turned. GOOD CHOICE, BELLA. Gahhh..._ Two of the calls came _while they were on the line._ And that was ONLY because they said "Edward" out loud. _I'm not even kidding._ I vomited in my mouth just a little then.

I tried to fall asleep sitting up, but Paul kept flicking my earlobes every time I'd get relaxed. _I am going for a solo run after this shit._ I'd finally given up sleeping and decided to take a few more calls. Maybe the day would be over by then.

"Why are you such a crotchmonster, this is Leah." _Okay, maybe I could do a little better than that....Nah._

"_Excuse me? Ya know, I kinda like that...CROTCHMONSTER...hahahaha...ugh.... Speaking of crotches, though, I'm swimming in pantiesplosion here. Aren't you supposed to be—...oh, wait, you said this is Leah? I'm screwed."_

I did not exactly appreciate that, but she _did_ like my crotchmonster joke. That was _something._ "OK, maybe I deserved that, but you gotta admit, I got a raw deal, uh, Miss Amander."

"_Yeah, that sucked, but AM I ON THE LINE TO HELP YOU??"_

"Fine. So, you're all 'sploded' or whatever and soiled yourself—"

"_I didn't shit myself, woman, I spontaneously crotchsploded. The Lost Boys is such an incredible fic. Even the non-lemons are hot. I mean, GAHHH...the description of the music and performances by Edward and—"_

_Okay, I cannot handle another Edward-obsessed._ "Yeah, yeah...got it. Edward is _sooooo_ amazing and _sooooo_ good at EVERYTHING he does...Jesus. _DOES NO ONE REMEMBER WHAT A CREEPY STALKER HE IS?_"

"_You're totally jealous, aren't you?"_

I laughed. Cackled, even. "HA! Jealous? Pffft! I have NO interest in the emo-leech. It's bad enough I have to be around them at all. Man, way to roil the guts...I think I WILL barf now."

"_I'm not talking about EDWARD. I meant jealous OF Edward. Well, Edward and Bella. You thought you had yours and—"_

"LALALALALALALALALALALA." _Seriously, I do NOT NEED a shrinkfest right now. Deep breath. Breathe. Inhale, Exhale. Focus on your breath. Something about breathing. Wait, what? Maybe I should've finished that yoga class...._ "Moving OOOOOON. So, tell me all about this awesome Edwardcentric fiction that's got your ladybits all atwitter." I may have been a little sarcastic.

_"Uhh, well, I was reading The Lost Boys, like I said."_

"Wait, wait, wait...Isn't that a—" _Fucking hell... _"—VAMPIRE movie?"

_"Yeah, but this is totally unrelated...they're not vampires at all. Ugh, you really do suck at this. I'm 'sploded, horny, and talking to a completely compassionless—"_

_"CCC here, we'll take care of Miss Amander now. WOW, this is messy." _Click.

I looked at the clock on the wall. The face was cracked, and it hung next to a huge patch of spackle. _What the hell went on in here? This building was brand new, I thought._ I shrugged off the inane thought and zeroed in on the evil red flashing light before me. _Christ, will this day EVER END?_

"Crotchbusiness. Leah."

_"Don't be such a cunt, Leah! You're better than this! Not that I give a shit, at the moment, as I'm tit-deep in crotchflood and paralyzed. Seriously, some radio dude is crying, 'Oh, the humanity!' I'm sure of it."_ _  
_

_Ok, she called me a cunt, but then the whole tit-deep comment..._"*AHEM*...Miss Rasch, you are too correct. My attitude is completely inappropriate."

_"..."_

"Miss Rasch?"

_"You're fucking with me, right?"  
_  
"Yes, actually, I am. I couldn't help myself. But if it makes you feel any better, I completely love the Hindenburg reference. I actually have a fascination with history, but for the love of GOD, don't tell the civil war freak. He'd probably try to mush me up with his, uh, mush powers and...whatever. Point is, I know shit."

_"I know you're not a moron, asshole. Can we focus on ME, please?"_

"Whatever you say, crotchblossom. So, what are you reading?" I started biting my nails. _Ew...dirty._

_"I'm reading Poughkeepsie, but then I finally read the last chap of The Screamers. Between the two, my bits were totally blown. The Littlest Edward was terrified."_

_WHAT, NOW? What. The. Fuck. Is. A. LITTLEST. EDWARD? And furthermore, WHY, GOD?! WHY!?!?_

_"It's an action figure of Edward—"_

_Sweet Death, take me now._

_"—and...and you're totally thinking HOW much you hate Edward and the whole vamptastic crew, well I'm here to tell you: GET THE FUCK OVER IT. K?"_

"Fuck, ballbuster. Relax. You should be relaxing. Take a deep breath," I tried to sound all yogini or whatever the fuck. _Hey, I did take one class, and I did kinda relax, except I fell asleep. I ran across the state that day, okay? Fuuuck._ "Breathe in your mouth and out your nose."

_"Christ, Leah, it's in your NOSE and out your MOUTH. Jesus and Baby Jailbait, why on EARTH did they let you in that call center?"_

"Ya know, bitch? I haven't the slightest. I didn't even WANT to do this! I wanted to strip to the skin, change, and run to Vancouver. Then, I was going to get really fucking shitfaced, find some tempting man-meat and fuck his brains out. After THAT, I'd ditch the dick and take a nap by the water—_the sounds are soothing_—and wake up and run back in the morning. But since I COULDN'T, I'm HERE talking to a bunch of deluded Leech Lovers who can't even manage to read some smut without flooding their house with vadge juice!"

I panted as I'd barely taken a breath during my rant. Slowly, I began to notice the room around me was eerily silent. I looked up and scanned to find every pair of eyes staring at me. I must have gotten pretty loud. The Royal Leech family stared at me like I was dinner. I bit back a growl as I heard the woman on the line laughing her fucking ass off.

_"Honey," she said. "There are plenty of us who love us some wolfpack. We do. But YOU, my not-so-subtle friend—OK, we're not friends, but whatever—really do need to get laid. I suggest you read some of our 'LEECH-LOVER SMUT' and get a few crotchsplosions of your own. In fact, I'm going to add to the chaos and reread the wedding night chap of Poughkeepsie, and maybe some hot phone sex exploits from The Screamers. I'm sure CCC will be here soon, so you go on and get some. Hell, grab Paul and just kick the sexy shit out of each other. You need an outlet."_

Click.

_PAUL?! Whaaa?_ That had to be the most..._I mean, I've seen him naked, for fuck's sa—...*AHEM*...I suppose he is..._tall_ and...uh, well..um..._ I realized suddenly I'd been staring at a blinking screen. _This is ridiculous. Now, I'm fucking _horny_ and all I can think of is Paul and his...dammit._

I threw the headset on the desk and kicked my chair over as I got up. I charged for the door but King Stinkpire did that superfast vampire shit and appeared in front of the door, blocking my exit.

"Remember what I said about a bloodsucker bonfire? Offer still stands, mullet-man."

He said nothing, but wrapped his long, icy fingers around my wrist, his chill tingling awkwardly through my body. I yanked at my hand, but struggling against marble will only leave bruises or broken bones. He smiled a really fucking annoying, "I know what you're thinking" smile, snickered, and released me. I heard growling over my shoulders and knew my pack was behind me. I moved slowly to get out the door when I heard that fucker Aro gloat to Paul.

"She's feeling somewhat _amorous_ towards you."

I froze, my hand trying to crush the doorknob. Spinning to face the smug sonofabitch, I caught Paul looking at me strangely. I warred with myself whether I wanted to tear the vamp limb from limb or run like hell.

I chose to run like hell.

Before I could get far, however, Paul had caught up and stopped me. I couldn't change unless I new I was alone; I did NOT want any of them in my head.

"Stop! Leah, I...shit, why do you let that asshole get to you? Fuck. I..." He ran his hand through his hair, frustrated. _What the fuck?_

"Dude, it's fine. He's an asshole, and probably a few centuries off of actual normal interaction with anything relatively human, so why would I give a shit?"

"Did you...think something...about...?"

"NO! God, Paul...that's disgusting. We're practically related. I'm just...uh...ya know, it's been a while." I spoke really fast, hoping he wouldn't say anything else and just leave me alone.

"I'm just, well...I haven't...it might not be a _terrible_ idea...I mean, after listening to some of those callers, I—"

"OH HELL, Paul, you got wood from listening to those crotchmonsters?"

He pushed forward, slamming his chest against mine.

"OW! Dude, I have BREASTS, you fucker!" I noticed he was breathing hard, his gaze unflinching. "Paul...you're kind of, uh, freakin' me...out...here..."

"There was this one caller who told me about a story...it was you and me. It made a lot of sense...but it just gave me an idea," he spoke softer, cocking an eyebrow.

I realized I hadn't stepped back. I realized my nipples were hard. I realized my jeans were soaking through a _little_ at the contact, the weight of his stare, the feel of his breath on my face...  
**  
CPOV**

I closed the door behind Aro and his brothers, so thrilled to have the day over. Silently, I went up the stairs to my and Esme's room. I laid on the bed, as though I could sleep once my eyes were closed. I felt my wife enter and lie down next to me.

"Was it really that bad?" As much as I didn't want to talk about it, Esme's voice always soothed me, and encouraged me.

"I might just kill Alice," I said quietly. Her low chuckle made me echo her. "Aro and his brothers and three of the wolves? I'm surprised the building still stands. I already had to have major structural repairs after Emmett—"

"Carlisle, no one's dead. There aren't any walls to rebuild. Calls got answered! It wasn't the best day for customer service, but it's over, right?"

"Edward overheard Paul and Leah having sex in the woods outside the office."

Esme snorted and pressed her face into the mattress to mask her throaty laughs. "Well, anyone could tell you that girl needed to get fu—"

"Esme!" I chided, my smirk giving me away.

"So what's so awful about a little forest fucking?"

The look she was giving me told me she didn't want to talk about the OnCrotch center much longer.

"Nothing," I replied, moving to hover over her. "It was the physical altercation between Jacob and Caius. Aro was on and on about how 'fantastic!' and 'thrilling!' it was to bring 'two mongrels' together and how he just hoped they didn't make any 'stinky puppies' and 'pollute the world anymore'...Jacob changed right then and there, all hulksmash-ripping through his clothes and ripped Aro's head off."

My darling, petite little wife, whose dirtytalk button-pushing was derailed by her shock, shoved me off so that I fell to the floor. Half a second later, she pounced and straddled me. "HOW DID I MISS THIS? HOW DID ANYONE MISS THIS?"

"Alice _conveniently_ had all you girls in Seattle for the day. Edward stumbled in upon the aftermath following a hunt with Emmett and Jasper, who both found it fucking hilarious, before Jasper finally helped calm the situation. Marcus put his head back on, but apparently Caius was laughing too hard. I think he's still holding a grudge against Aro for coming here today.

"Jesus Christ, Esme, that is the absolute LAST time I let my family OR friends for help with this project."

She giggled, her original train of thought steaming up again. "Maybe it should just be you and me...if we needed On_Crotch_ backups..." She wriggled her ass, grinding on my...well, my _crotch_.

_Fuck it. Life is good._


End file.
